You know what I need...

I've never had a good enough reason to be good I guess.
And that's why my life is this way. I don't know if I regret it yet. Maybe I'll find out someday. But what do I do till then? Keep this way? If I change what should I change it too? Should I keep up with myself or just fuck it all? Why do I even have these questions? They're so ridiculous because I'm just wasting my time writing about something that no one on here cares about, wasting their time, and mine. I could be out finding the answers, but am I..no. I'm on here hoping the answers will come as I type. Sometimes I really have to THINK if I'm happy or not. I guess one could say that if you have to think about it that you aren't, but how can I be sure? I'm tired of comparing my pain to other peoples pain and telling myself that what I've been through is nothing compared to theirs. My whole life I've tried to help others get better, and change their ways but how much time have i spent on myself? was it enough..or maybe it was too much. How many times have I actually helped myself? How many people are reading this thinking "that girl doesn't even know pain, she needs to stop ranting and get on with her life"? How much do I care? I know the answer to that, I don't care at all. Unless you have lived my life, which you havn't and you seen what I've seen you don't even know where my life is right now. You can read all the entries of mine, and hang out with me for hours, and see me acting in a certain way but the truth is,is that I havn't let ANYONE see who I really am. You may think you just found out the biggest secret of mine during one of our talks but I gaurantee you that you havn't. This could have just been another post about how awesome things are going..and how many people I've met but I'm tired of that. I just want to find things. Not look for them, but find them.I've been looking for too long, for other people and for myself. I wish I could talk to you and tell you what I want to, but I can't. And all the people I know who sit around doing nothing but complaining, I can't stand them. And then the people who follow trends so much that they convince themselves that they are the trend. They truly believe that they started it all. Then there's those who just do the most ridiculous things for attention and to seem smart. It's just one fucking joke to me. Like this one guy in particular, he struts around like he's a king, but when in reality I see exactly who he is. Just another kid trying to appear "chill" and better than everyone else. He's become so entralled in himself he doesn't even know I'm talking about him right now. (and no it's not my brother) He's gonna realize how many people see the real him..he thinks it's a well kept secret but he's so bad at hiding it. He needs to try a little harder and maybe then I'll respect him. as for now he's just another good looking kid who can act like a jackass. Wow, their only a dime a dozen. Get some new lines, get some new friends, get some new information that can make you seem smart in front of people. All in all just get a new personality, this one really doesn't suit you. There's so many people I can be busting on, like myself, but I don't feel up to it right now. I think this is gonna be my site devoted to writing things that don't include my daily activities. just things i hate and people who I don't like..maybe I'll drop some names and then you guys can all take that gossip and spread it like wild fire.
Good luck. Keep on the lookout for free gossip off my lj. You just may find some. And when you're spreading it just be kind enough to give me credit. Say Rachel McNulty said this, and I'll be proud because I couldn't care less if people find out I talk abouit them. I don't like gossip, but who really does love it? I went through my phase of "I don't like talking about people" But I'll just let you know I've grown out of that. I was gossiping even when I "hated" it. So fuck that, Guys and GIrls gossip all the time. Don't think that because you say you hate gossip that I'll really believe that you stick to that. Every single person who's ever told me they hate gossip..well they gossip more than anyone I know. SO please grow out of you phases that suck like that one. It's just a chunk of your life of lies. You're going to gossip, so stop denying it and saying you don't do it for godsake.
Get some friends too, this is sad.